(By Jason Brick)
If you have a fear of losing an erection…one of the cruelest tricks your mind can play on you is the phenomena described in the sitcom “Coupling” as The Melty Man….
In a conversation between the characters Steve and Jeff they describe what they call “The Arch Enemy of Trouser Confidence.”
Jeff: Suddenly you start to blush.
Steve: Now you’re blushing and you’ve got an erection. No-one’s got that much blood.
Jeff: The engines, Cap’n. They cannae take it!
Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
Steve: “Please, God! Don’t let me lose my erection!
It’s a funny take on an unfunny situation.
Worrying about whether or not your little soldier is going to stand up and salute can make it less likely to do so.
As a species we’ve known for centuries that sex is mostly a mental game, and modern science has supported this old-school knowledge.
A few things that can get you worried about losing your erection include:
Performance Anxiety – just like in other contact sports, worrying about doing well distracts you from doing well (source)
Sex With a New Partner – it’s always a little bit intimidating and a lotta bit awkward, which can lead to worrying that your parts might not work
Prior Erection Failures – if you start thinking you’re in a slump, you start worrying about the slump, which cruelly and ironically makes it harder to get out of it
Poor Body Image – it’s tough to think you’ll perform well naked if you’re worried what you look like naked
History of Premature Ejaculation – just like a history of losing erections before it’s “go time,” losing them too soon can make you worry about performance
History of Failure to Climax — just like the other two past performance issues, previous “failures” are a shortcut to ED Phobia City
Fear or Anxiety Issues – even if you’re not fearful or anxious specifically about sex, these issues can express themselves in your bedroom performance
Relationship Problems – these often show up during sex even when you’ve agreed to set them aside
So that’s the bad news.
The good news is there are things you can do to cure ED phobia. Some of the fixes address your mental state.
Others go right for the hormone balance. Others deal with your relationship with your sex partner.
No one of them is guaranteed to work for every man with ED phobia, but a combined approach is likely to help get the lead back in your pencil.
Masturbation can cause ED on at least two levels.
The least destructive come from low-level desensitization and psychological conditioning from the porn you use to masturbate.
If you’re getting yourself off daily to images of three supermodels at once, it can become difficult to get it up for a single, normal-shaped sex partner.
Men with a masturbation or porn addiction experience a reduced stimulation of the parts of their nervous system that makes erections happen.
This comes from developing a tolerance to hormones responsible for erection the same way an alcoholic develops a tolerance for alcohol.
In either case, the cure is to quit masturbating. Recovery takes a couple of weeks for the low-level issue and up to a year for men with a pornography addiction – but both roads start with the same step.
Study after study after study have found that relationship problems are a huge contributor to ED and other sexual dysfunctions.
They might not be the only thing that’s causing your fear of losing an erection, but at the very least they can exacerbate the situation and make it worse.
Communication is the first and best line of defense here.
Talking about the problems in the relationship is the first step in solving them, and simply clearing the air can remove a lot of roadblocks to having satisfying sex………
…which produces hormones that help you feel closer and more intimate…which helps you talk productively about the problems in the relationship…which help you have more satisfying sex more often…etc, etc..
In many ways, it’s the opposite of the Melty Man: an upward spiral of communication and intimacy that will leave you thinking more about how great your partner is than whether your downstairs wingman is going to cooperate.
Premature ejaculation strikes everybody at one point or another, but worrying about it can lead to destructive ED Phobia that actually summons the loss erections.
It’s such a common problem that there’s a Swiss Army Knife worth of strategies, tips and tactics you can apply to keep it from happening to you.
Like I said at the start of this article, ED Phobia often comes from head games you play on yourself. It’s hard to get your head in the game when you’re anxious and tense about whether or not your little head’s also going to get in the game.
There is no worse way in the world to help someone relax than telling them to relax, and that’s true even when you say that to yourself. But here are a few exercises from the experts about how to chill out and get hot in the bedroom.
Reduce Outside Stress through exercise, proper sleep, mediation and spending time doing things that make you happy. In many cases, talking to a professional or taking on techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or tapping can make a huge difference.
Communicate Clearly with your partner well before sex about any guilt or anxiety you might feel about being able to please her. As with the stress, you might want to bring in a relationship or sex therapist to help get you started.
Practice Breathing Exercises like rhythmic or deep breathing to help you relax before and during sex. Simple breathing has been shown to help with clinical anxiety and depression, let alone minor tension about performance in bed.
Set the Mood with music or decoration so you have more stimuli in the area to take your mind off your worries and keep it on the game.
Even if your ED comes mostly from a mental phobia, boosting your testosterone sets you up for success in two ways.
First, it physically increases your level of testosterone – one of the hormones most important to achieving and maintaining an erection. Second, it lets you walk into the bedroom knowing that you have a fully loaded gun.
You can take big pharma treatments to boost that testosterone level, if you want to spend a lot of money and suffer side effects. Or you can do it with some simple changes to your diet:
Success guru Tony Robbins suggests starting any difficult task by stacking the deck for success.
Don’t learn to shoot standing 100 yards away from the target, then practicing until you hit it. Start with the barrel on the bullseye and back slowly away.
This sets up an expectation of success, which leads to faster mastery of a skill.
It’s just the same with ED Phobia.
Stack the deck in your favor, making it physically and psychologically easier to have and maintain your erection.
Once you do this…
When your shoulder devil starts whispering to you about the Melty Man…you’ll have lots of viable reasons to tell him to shut up so you can get down to business.